You know how sometimes an old friend writes you out of the blue and says something to the effect of “Hi! How have the last x years of your life been?”
This is my answer for what’s been happening for the last two years (since I last updated this blog).
Let’s start with the massive life-changing event – my dad died in October 2022 at 81 years old. Shortly before that event I stopped blogging; shortly after that event I deleted everything from Twitter (although that was more because of the idiocy of X’s current owner than my dad dying but still). Even though I’ve continued to give talks nationally and internationally, work on my dissertation, write for other stuff, the writing for the blog has suffered.
Also, I changed jobs (at least temporarily for the 2023-2024 academic year) from FT Chemistry Instructor to CNM Presidential Fellow for Belonging. That change was more massive than expected due to freedom without spoken (yet maybe hidden?) constraints, coupled with freedom to finish the Ph.D. (I should be done by summer 2024 y’all). The time to think and create and research has been amazing. The freedom without constraints has been…disconcerting.
I think that it might be a “be careful what you wish for” scenario? For years I’ve hoped for some serious thinking space – about a topic, about my future career path, about my pedagogy. And this fellowship provides that space. I think the problem is the transparency with which it is provided (hint: there is none). So there’s a feeling of constantly needing to do more but also trying to enjoy what is. It’s like cognitive dissonance on a global level for a single individual.
And that leads to the Ph.D., for which I continue to trudge along with some amount of ambiguity as well. The Ph.D. needed to be finished in terms of my cognitive, social, and emotional health about a year ago. And yet here we are, keeping on keeping on. To finish the Ph.D. this year took saying no quite a lot – to talks, to writing projects, to keeping up to date with my PLN as I usually do. It took what feels like an entirely inward focus even if the fellowship has provided plenty of space to explore the Ph.D. and finish it up. Closing the loop on it by the end of summer comes with thankfulness and grief, as it is a major 10-year experience finally coming to a close.
So there have been big changes and small changes, big griefs and small griefs.. A time of both/and. And continued joy and thankfulness for those who continue to journey onward with me, one day at a time.
May the journey begin anew (with plenty of history embedded) today.
